dressedinblack | GH Fic: Closure

A Naru POV short story
Set in volume ??? SPOILER ALERT

“You,” the man said to me in a stern tone. “Stop it.”

“No,” I said calmly. I paused, holding the dripping wet, yellow tarp in my hand. “It’s okay.” He didn’t question me further as I drew back the tarp just enough to see the form inside. Sicken gasped echoed above me at the two men looked away at what lie inside...

There he was. The flesh was greyed, thin and leathery, but I could still make out his face as if he were smiling up at me from the ground. I took in the details of his features, etching them into my memory. In the few seconds it took, I would never forget his face, our face, this way. Cold, clammy, and shimmering in the sunlight. A strange sensation stung in my chest, and the usual numb felt so much heavier than normal. I covered his face again. No one would be able to see him the way I did, so no one had to right to look. I stood up, feeling weak. I turned and walked away, knowing there was no point in sentimental attachments to a corpse. Eugene… Gene was gone, and my search was over.

Mai left me alone at last. Lin didn’t follow me back to the cabin either. I walked inside as I normally would. I wasn’t shaking or hyperventilating as I closed the door behind me. That weakness was still weighing down on my body. It must have been fatigue. I hadn’t slept the whole time we had been here, and why should I? I had spent enough time in the intensive care unit. Now that I had seen his face, I could let it all go. That was all I needed for closure. The one victim I had shared death with that I needed to see had been seen. Sleep should come with ease now, or so I thought…

I opened the door to the room I had been staying in during the dredging of the lake. Pausing with my hand still in the handle, I felt my head turn toward the washroom. The door had been left open, most likely by Lin, and I could see my face in the mirror. I gaped at my reflection for a time I could only count in beats of my heart. One. Two. Three. Four. Suddenly, I pulled myself into my room, slamming the door behind me. Sliding down the wood frame with my hand pinned behind me, I held my opposing palm against my nose and mouth. My eyes swelled as wide as they could possibly open as I stared straight ahead of me. The numb had vanished. Everything was hitting me in one crashing wave.

Tears filled my eyes. What was happening to me? I stifled any noise that tried to escape me. I didn’t even know why. I was cutting off any means of breathing. Why? The tears blinding my vision were held back somehow as I felt my body trembling against the door frame of the cabin. My chest was tight, but not from lack of air. It felt as if a knife had been plunged into me and left to let me bleed out. I knew what that felt like, which only made my senses exaggerate the pain all the more. Finally, my attempts at logic blurred into fear. I knew what was happening now. My mind was battling itself, manifesting physically. I was trying to… grieve.

One tear fell. The image of Gene’s face inside that tarp came to the forefront of my mind. It was terrifying. He had met such a cruel and inhumane end. The swelling must have covered up the skull fractures from how that woman had run him over again and again. How? How could he still look so peaceful? It didn’t make any sense how vacant his face was of the trauma he had endured. Another tear fell. My lungs were starting to burn for air, as if I was sinking into the very lake I had walked away from. I couldn’t pull my hand away though, and I still couldn’t understand why.

That was when the tears fell in torrents. Why? Why did it have to be Gene? Why did his life have to end? He had done nothing wrong to anyone, ever. He had taken care of me when we were children in the orphanage, calming my emotions to still the poltergeists I created. He had always tried to ease my depression, whether it was reading a book with me, fetching a snack for us to share, or talking about our few memories of Mother. He had defended me from the other children and begged our caretakers to be gentle with me. He was as good a brother as I felt was humanly possible, if not more. What did he ever do to deserve to die so young, so brutally?

Why was I alive? I had been nothing but trouble for us. My psychic ability was daunting even in the parapsychology field. I made a mess of nearly everything I ever tried. I wounded people with my words, whether I intended it or not. I cut away the fat of sentimental morality and acted with cold, callous logic. I aimed for perfection, and anything short was a failure, even in others. I tried to be a reasonable human being, but within my core, I was a terrible person, using my power and knowledge to set me apart from everyone else. Why? So that I could make myself feel unique and important, not ashamed and afraid of my own shadow. The world would be better off without me. Eugene was the better half that did good for the world. Why wasn’t I the one to die?

My feet scraped at the floor as my lungs begged for air, but my hand would not move. As I struggled, anger set it. Not at what was going on, but that my elder brother had been taken from me, and I could only blame myself for the pain I felt right now. As small children, I had depended on him. He was my only confidant and companion. After we were adopted and I began to understand my power, I drifted from him. I took him for granted. He became another psychic I studied, even if he was the most fascinating. We argued, but I summed that up to adolescence behavior. I told myself that my elder brother would always be there. When he left for Japan to study Shinto, I remember I spent time alone in his room. I missed him being there, but I never reached out, believing he would return to me. When he did not, I ran to find him.

That was why I had pulled back the tarp. I had to see his face. I had to see my brother, my twin. I had to see for myself that he was gone. Visions and missing person reports aside, my logic needed to see with my own eyes that the one person I never thought would leave me was gone forever. No matter what he looked like, I needed to see him one last time. As much as I distanced myself from him, from everyone I cared about, I loved him. I loved my big brother, and just like the mother I had been so attached to, our bond had been severed by forces beyond our control. I was… alone. Finally, my hand released me, and I took in the much needed air as I wept there against the door frame.

“Ani…” I cried in a broken voice. “Ani… Kaete… Kaete kudasai… Ani… Kaete…” I slumped to my side and cried until I couldn’t shed another tear. Sitting up once more, I rose to walk to the futon I had not slept in that Lin had prepared for me. Laying down, I rested my spinning head on the pillow. I was asleep in moments.

02/04/14 Jade_the_inujin